Grinding my Gears

You know what annoys me? Our advertising laws. No, I don't actually know what they are, but it's pretty obvious what they aren't. They aren't stopping companies from saying pretty much whatever they want about their products so long as what they say can't be proven. Phrases such as "the best choice for pain relief!" and "most doctors recommend xxx" and "reduced fat," "low fat" and "lite."

I hate that pharmaceutical companies are allowed to advertise their drug without even saying what to use it for, and I hate that I sometimes remember advertisements but I don't remember what they were advertising. I take a strong dislike to companies that persuade stupid people to pay to advertise their products, and it disturbs me that there are people stupid enough to do it. Please, just go to JC Penney and buy some clothes that don't have Nike labels and Tommy Hilfiger written all over them. And as much as I love Ben and Jerry's "World's Best Vanilla," and even though 9 out of 10 ice cream lovers might agree assuming you ask the right people, to say that it is objectively the "best" ice cream is like saying that she is, objectively, the best hooker on the planet, and 9 out of 10 lonely men would agree, assuming you ask the right people.

I also hate advertisements that ask questions, because we always need answers, we want answers, we have to know why. When Stone Phillips tells me, "Neighborhood crime is on the rise; is your home safe?" and goes to a commercial, they know I'm going to watch because suddenly I'm thinking, shit, I haven't asked that question yet! And I need to know the answer! And Dateline is going to give it to me! If the media can print ads asking me questions I didn't need to know the answers to until I saw the question, why can't they pick more interesting questions? "Spouse-swapping is sweeping middle-class suburbia; where can you get in on the action? Find out next." Or perhaps "How did this woman regrow her pubic hair in just six days? After this." As long as their feeding me useless information, they might as well make it entertaining.

I'm glad to say that Vermont recently got a little more strict about allowing the words (and all the variations) "Made in Vermont" on products, some of which were produced using ingredients from other states and are no longer allowed to carry the Made in Vermont tag. But it needs to go farther. It needs to cover every aspect of truth in advertising, and all disclaimers ought to be large and easy to read, not this bullshit fine print or sped up words you hear at the end of commercials.

Last, these laws would cover politics as well. Any advertisements for anything political should be disallowed from exhibiting any sort of patriotism, emotional content, or otherwise sentimental effects. There should be no music, speakers should use a neutral tone of voice, no military regalia, and no opinion or a priori logic whatsoever. They should be based on clearly cited fact and nothing else. And though I'm not so educated on statistics, I know enough to know that every fact can be represented by statistics in at least two ways: percentages and absolutes; absolutes themselves can be represented in two ways, either as positives (960,000 people said yes) or negatives (1.3 million said no). There are probably more, but at least these three varieties should be given any time statistics are used in an political advertisement.